How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

I don't know whether I can actually write this blog today.  I think I need to, but as I begin, I can already feel my eyes swelling up, my stomach tying in knots, and I get the sickening the feeling that I have so many emotions ready to explode and gush out onto the page that my writing will suck and won't be anything more than just an opportunity to get it all out there.

I was always told that saying the most in the least amount of words is good writing, and that poetry is (what did Wordsworth say?) "the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings: it takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquility." So. I guess this won't be very good writing today, and it certainly won't be poetic.

I've lost my husband. My heart is breaking. I don't know who to talk to...who to confide in, and I feel so many different emotions that seem to go silent for a while and then hit me all of a sudden when I'm not really doing anything that feels like it would or could be a trigger. How do people go on through this and survive to the other side? Is there "another side" to this whole roller coaster of emotions?

Worst of all, it is summer time. Stuart used to say that I was at my worst during vacation times because it gave me too much time to sit around and think.  He was right, and summer is such a long vacation break.  I have lots to do, and lots of time to do it, but so much of it can be so painful that I am avoiding it all. I keep telling myself if I get one or two "things" accomplished in a day toward putting all this financial and paperwork nightmare behind me, the day was successful.

It's really hard, you know. Going places we used to go together, and there really aren't that many places we didn't go to together. I could go to some of those places, but I'll see people or things that I know will remind me. I can already feel how bad a day this is starting out to be, but I can't keep letting it spiral downward. I have to bounce back and think of things to do to keep me pushing on.

I know I am going to learn something from this.  Maybe just how fragile life is, and how losing someone is probably the worst feeling in the world.  I can understand, now, how people can become hoarders or depressed in these kinds of situations.  Losing someone you have loved so deeply leaves a huge hole in your heart and in your life. But there are still others around to whom I mean something, so there is that.

I'm not sure how to close this one out.  I don't really have the wisdom yet, but I'm going to come out on the other side.  It will just take time.  Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers.