This is the first page. Joe is an 8th grader in this. I like this as the beginning, but in many respects the voice sounds too "academic" and I think it needs to be less formal, although the conversation here takes place with his English teacher...
Working Title – The Shadow People
When
the bell rang about twenty minutes later, Joe was still groggy. He wandered up to Mrs. ___’s desk, sure he
was about to get a lecture about how important getting a good night’s sleep
was. He really didn’t want to be
bothered, and the last thing he needed was another lecture, but he knew it
would be worse for him and that he would get in more trouble if he tried to
ignore her.
“You
wanted to see me?”
“Joe,
what’s going on with you lately? You’re
falling asleep and your grades are starting to slip. I’m really getting worried. Is there something going on that I can help
you with? Is there anything you need to
talk about? You’re usually such a good
student, and I hate to see you in this condition. What’s going on?”
“I’m
okay, Mrs. _____. I guess I’ve just been
playing too many video games lately, and sometimes the time just slips away
from me. I just got the newest Night Stalker game last weekend, and
it’s really intense. Before I knew it last night, it was four o’clock, and then
I tried to get to sleep, but I couldn’t get the game out of my mind. Just
please, don’t call my mom. I promise it
won’t happen again.”